Hi Internet :)
For my first post on my thinks blog, I'm going to be talking about a relatively heavy subject. Not chosen specifically for the first post, but just because it's what I've been thinking of a lot recently and that is what this blog is all about: things that I think about, hence 'thinks'.
Okay, so the relatively heavy subject, mentioned above, that I'm talking about today is Gender & Sexuality. I've been thinking about this for a long while - a lot longer and more intensely than a think subject tends to stay on my mind for, which is, typically, a couple of weeks - on and off. Gender and sexuality has been on my mind close to non-stop for a few months now.
Right now, I would say I am pansexual. Since I didn't really know about pan sexuality until about a month ago, I always thought I might have been bisexual until then. Okay, so now that I've laid that down, it's time to backtrack. I grew up in west Essex with foreign, religious parents and seemingly all-knowing, loud, fun friends (for the most part). Ever since my first day of reception, I had always known I was very uneducated in the ways of the modern (well, 2002), British child. I remember one of my friends asking me if I knew who Britney Spears was. I did not. I was then met with gasps of shock and horror. And then someone else asked me if I knew Beyoncé. Again, my answer was no. It was at that moment I discovered I liked being at the centre of attention – I liked being different, obscure, mysterious, strange. Someone people would have to keep guessing at. Just as I was beginning to enjoy the feeling of lots of pairs of eyes on me, the alien novelty wore off and everyone went back to what they were doing. It seemed that I would have to gather more knowledge for me to properly have a conversation and hold people’s real interest. I couldn’t just turn the spotlight on me for little, trivial things. I would have to work hard to be someone people would notice and ask about. And so, my quest began: to learn to fit in just enough to stand out.
I can say I was known for being lots of things in primary school. My first I think was the time I hit my friend over the head with a wooden spoon in the little toy kitchen in the corner of the reception classroom. That's right - I was four years old. And it was only, really, until I nearly strangled my friend with skipping ropes in a game of 'Goodies and Baddies' when I was about 7 that my reputation for violence was properly established.
Something else I was known for in my earlier years was the fact that I had everything a primary school child could ever need in a lesson in my bag. It was a standard issue H**** School bookbag, but, still, I managed to have colour pencils, regular pencils, extra pens, felt-tips, rubbers, glue, scissors and even one of those big sharpeners where you have to clamp the pencil in and wind up a handle to sharpen it. Yeah. Along with my homework book, reading book, spelling book and water bottle. Oh yeah. I was what you could class as armed or, as my classmates could accurately describe me as, a walking stationery store.
Another thing my peers acknowledged me by was my artistic and musical talent. I've only recently realised that I was the only Asian in my year in primary school, and, as the stereotype follows, I was the only one to play the piano as well as I could in my lower school years, which I now know pales in comparison to my friends now - Asian and otherwise. I remember winning a few art competitions, including one for drawing the cover of my favourite book and another for painting the best self-portrait in the year, but one accomplishment that really stood out for me was the time I helped my friend, Katie, draw a dinosaur for her to paint. Mind, it probably actually looked like an oversized dog, but hey, I was, like, 8, and drawing an oversized dog accepted by the 8-year-old human eye as a dinosaur was a big achievement.
Needless to say, my plans were working perfectly. I even happened to be in the main social group in our year, granted it was only about 10-strong, but in a year group of about 30, we were the biggest clique. It was great. I went to every birthday party, sleepover or otherwise that I was invited to. And I was invited to all of them.
Though, one time in year 3 I hosted a sleepover with two girls who lived in my neighbourhood. That night was a kind of initiation for me. And I don't mean sacrifices and pentacles, I mean girl talk. We talked about boys and clothes and things every Essex girl knows by the age of nine. It was drilled into my mind that, as a girl, you had to get a guy, or aim to, you know? At least have a name to say when your 'bestie' asks you who you're crushing on. I'm sure it's not just in my experience that it was a kind of status symbol if you could get a substantial number of guys to 'go out with you' or at least be interested in you. It was one of the factors that determined which clique you would end up in in secondary school. I mean, the clique warden didn't go around checking your social background to assign you to an appropriate group or anything, but when I look back at how my friends were in primary school compared to where they ended up in the higher years, people with similar histories and 'vibes' tended to end up in the same social groups. That was the case in years 7 and 8, anyway. Throughout year 9, people's ugly sides started to emerge which caused a kind of drift to occur towards the end of that year and some or most of the next year depending on how socially - or mentally - unstable one happened to be.
Anyway, I was taught to identify friendly - for the most part - good-looking popular guys as potential... suitors, if you like. This was also enforced by the romance stories I started to read. Even fairy tales. In every book I read that involved a couple, every couple was straight. Of course, there weren't a lot of not-straight pairings in children's books written in the 1990s. But I read much more than the average person. And given my naïvety and reliance on classmates for what and who I was supposed to be, I... moulded.
Before I get all dramatic, being the writer that I am, let's turn back to our original topic. I've recently discovered a YouTuber that some may be familiar with called Joeytheblondewolf. Joey is biologically female, but she looks and sounds more like a guy. She identifies as gender queer. For those who don't know what that means, look at Joey's video or google it, because I don't feel qualified enough to explain. Anyway, as I watched her videos I started to think that it'd be so much better to be gender queer. Or be able to change my voice like Youtubeable or Mioggi. I've been in countless situations which would have worked out so much better if I was a guy, especially when the situation involved a female. There have been so many times when I wished I was a guy because that was one sure way to catch a girl's attention or say something not exactly appropriate in most social settings for a girl to say. That said, I like being a girl. I like the way I work as a female. But more frequently I'm finding myself thinking at night about an idea my overactive writer's mind came up with: what if I could enter an alternate universe when I went to sleep in which I would be a guy? It would be awesome. I could be a guy as much as could be a girl. Alas, this is not the way the world works. Such is life.
On another topic of my sexuality, I go to an all-girls school. Now, before coming here I was teased with the premise that if I went to a single sex school I'd become gay. Okay, so that's not strictly true, as it isn't untrue either. That aside, with a lack of male eye-candy to drool over every day, I've begun to notice the attractiveness of some of my female friends a bit more. And as most do not know about my pansexuality they are slightly more liberal with the way they present themselves. And that's okay, I mean, I'm not complaining. It's just when things get a bit sexier that I curse the way society is. As I am and as the way girls normally are, it'd be weird if I started telling my friends how mighty fine they looked one day and flirting like how guys flirt, which really pisses me off and makes me want to be a guy even more. Just so I could do things that would be out of line for me, personally, to do as a girl. I already have a reputation to uphold, I'd just make things more complicated if I started hitting on my friends. Especially as many of them are probably straight.
Anyway, this has been a kind of unusual sexuality talk and I don't really know how to end this, but I hope this was useful in some way or at least interesting for you to read. Sorry it wasn't a heartbreaking sob story or heartfelt coming-out retelling but I haven't experienced those, so this will have to do.
-Val out. x
